seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
