yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
