so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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