I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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