Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
