Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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