the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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