the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
