Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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