dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You can't just leave with hair like that
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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