well I can't set my house on fire every night
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
