This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
