I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize