I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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