Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
