I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
