i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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