had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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