I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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