I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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