turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
