You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
