This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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