before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
