She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Of course I have a pirate flag
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
