Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize