you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
