this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
