Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize