She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
