So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
