He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
