I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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