She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize