The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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