Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
