I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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