SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Maybe he injected his testicle?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
