I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
