I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Boobs speak an international language.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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