I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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