i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
