since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
