It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
