i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
