dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
