The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize