ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
