This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
