..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
