I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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