I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I have so many feelings about this burrito
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
