theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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