I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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