forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
