i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
