I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
