It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
