dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
