Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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