Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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